Feeling of "something missing/wrong/off", question regarding progress and expectations, noticing the ever-present stillness that we truly are
However it seems over the last couple of weeks, the entire time that I'm meditating, my mind is racing, I'm all over the place.
Mind racing is no problem, the problem is you identify yourself as the mind that is racing.
The mind is racing but you say "I am all over the place"If you were to see with clear eyes, you would see that you are completely still and alert, and you are perceiving neutrally and calmly the mind that is racing and is all over the place. The mind is not what you are, and when we mistake ourselves to be the racing mind, we ourselves feel like we racing with the mind. The truth is, that which is aware of the mind racing, is not racing, and that is what you truly are. Just stay as what you truly are, be aware of your own stillness.
. I'm caught up in things from the past, creating illogical and improbable futures, just all over the place
Again, these are simply thoughts appearing, you are not the one caught up, thoughts are simply appearing, you are only "caught up" if you believe you are caught up, otherwise; everything is simply perceived. Nobody is caught up. "I am caught up" is merely another thought appearing in the vast conscisousnsess. The thought is pretending to be you but it is not actually you since you are that stillness which is aware of the thought "I am caught up".
What are you truly that you can get "caught up"? You speak about yourself so lightly as if you know what your essence is but actually have you looked into what you truly are? Ask yourself "Who am I?" And do not look for any answers from the mind. No thought that appears can be the truth about who you are because you are that which is perceiving the thought, the thought can't know anything about that which is perceiving it.
Once you realize what you truly are, and that you are formless awareness and know it experientially (by being aware of being aware) then you see that in fact "I am caught up" is literally just a thought and you are that formless awareness which is in fact no caught up but aware of caught up and can say "I am caught up" although obviously even this happens in the flow of life, simply you are identifying as the thought itself instead of the stillness which is aware of the thoughts.
I can come back to my breath or a mantra for 10-20 seconds maybe, and then it's like a bomb goes off
Don't be so quick to say "It goes off", it is expected that it will "go off" because you must transcend this tendency to put your attention on the misery and failure again. Simply calmly shift your attention back onto the awareness which is aware of the experience of being aware in this present moment. Every single time attention wanders - even that you perceive, keep shifting the attention back unto the awareness which is aware of being aware in the present moment. Stay as that.
Honestly, a 1/2 hour of meditating feels like a 1/2 hour of watching cable news (pick whichever channel suits you)- I sat there, there were a ton of voices all shouting, there were some loud, erroneous ads, and nothing positive came of any of it.
Well nothing positive comes out of it when you don't know what you are doing. Follow my advice and you will see how extremely effective true meditation is and you will see immediate results and peace, serenity, and even joy arising in you as you follow closely what I am pointing to.
I'm not really upset about this, and I'm trying to trust the process, but I can't help but feel like I'm either missing something, or doing something wrong, or just something is... off?
That is natural, the feeling that something is missing/wrong/off is completely "normal", most people experience it and it is nothing to be afraid of. It is literally just a feeling. Thoughts, feelings, emotions and sensations all appear within the consciousness, but they all come and go. Not all the time you feel like something is missing. In deep sleep nothing is missing. So what can possibly be missing now? You have nothing in deep sleep, yet you are completely content. You are awake and you have all this abundance of life and you believe something is missing just because you have a feeling? It is simply not true, do not believe and identify as this feeling of lack, it is just a conditioning that was forced upon us in this corrupted and ignorant society. We are outgrowing that, and coming to see earth as heaven again.
Trust my words and most importantly yourself that is resonating with this answer.
So the feeling of "something missing/off/wrong" is perceived, that is all. It is simply a feeling perceived, do not interpret it, simply be aware of it, don't avoid it, don't shy away from it, meet it as it is, completely be here now and be aware of being aware, and if the feeling appears - do not fight it, let it be just as it is, and be there as a detached perceiver which is impersonal, a feeling is nothing bad, just another object perceived in consciousness. The more you resist this object; the more it persists. So let in this feeling of something wrong completely, do not resist it, and you will see naturally it dissolves into the silence of being.
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